In Lanna tradition, the girl's parents will find an opportunity for her to meet a prospective young man privately. With this comes the custom of "aeo sao" when a young man can visit the girl at her house in the evening and nighttime.
The girl will come out and sit around the living room or on the front porch or the ground terrace of the house doing some leisure evening work or spinning cotton yarn, splitting betel nuts, preparing betel nuts or fermented tea leaf rolls for chewing as well as threshing rice by pounding it in a mortar. The courting is often in the form of verbal exchanges of sweet and witty poems or expressions and those borrowed from some popular poems or stories.
As their relationship develops to an intimate level, they may touch some parts of the body, which is considered a violation of the customs or "phit phi". As a form of good manners of asking for an apology, the young man has to pay respect to the girl's ancestral spirit. This is called "sai phi" by presenting the spirits (phi pu ya) with a jar of whisky, a pair of chickens and a small amount of money. After that the man will proceed to find an auspicious time to move in with the girl or to hold a Lanna style wedding ceremony.
For a family that is wealthy or holds a high rank or status, selection of a spouse must ensure that he/she is of equal rank. Generally, they have to find out about the status of the parents of the other party.
If they find the other party to be of a satisfactory background, the man will ask his parents to ask for her hand from her parents. This is called "pai fu" in the Lanna dialect. If the parents of the girl have no objection, the man's parents will proceed to present to the girl's parents a dowry like some paddy land, a house, an orchard and some money as well as gold or jewelry, which is called "khrueang su" (Udom Rungroengsi and Silao Katephrom, 1999, pp.2578-1579).
The dowry will be considered the woman's by right. After that they have find an auspicious time to hold the engagement and the wedding respectively.
The procedure for finding a spouse among commoners is not as complicated. They seem to have more freedom. The young man or woman can spend 5-6 years getting acquainted and they can meet each other occasionally and go through the evening courting (aeo sao) where the parents of both sides stay out of it completely.
Aeo Sao
In the olden days in Lanna, when a girl reached 15 she could be called "sao chi" and would be assumed to be of a good age to have a marriage partner, and she would be able to stay out in the evening time (yunok yukhuang okkhuang) or could bring some work along to do while courting around the living room (which actually was the porch) or the ground terrace. The kind of work might be bamboo weaving, sewing, splitting betel nut, spinning yarn while waiting for the young man to come around (Manee Phayomyong, personal communication, Dec. 3, 2009; Buaphan Saeng-ngam, personal communication, Jan 18 2009). There are some descriptions of the sound made by the cotton spinning device when it make a sound "wae" which sounds like an initiation work when a girl would say to a man, "I'm spinning wae and wae. Won't you wae (drop by) also? Or are you going to wae (drop by) somewhere else?" (Buaphan Saeng-ngam, personal communication, Jan. 18, 2009).
In the olden days, when a girl reached 12 years of age, they would start chewing betel nut. Therefore, they might keep a personal betel nut tray around the porch, this is called "khanmak sao" (a maiden tray). The betel tray then became a greeting object for the young man who visited to her house. It was a Lanna custom that while the daughter was staying out (yunok), the parents would go to bed early to prevent the young people from feeling uncomfortable or frustrated. Or if they were not sure about the young man, they would not be able to sleep, so they would eavesdrop and be watchful or pretend to cough off and on. They would cease to do it when they were sure that he could be trusted. If the man could make them feel that he was mature enough or if he had been ordained as a Buddhist monk at the first and higher level to be referred to as "noi" or nan," he would win trust from the girls parents for sure.
At least they could trust that he was a "khon suk" or had undergone some moral disciplining and he was supposed to be calm, patient and have better self control. (Udom Rungroengsi and Silao Katephrom, 1999, p.2578)
An appropriate time for "aeo sao" or courting a woman started around 8:00 p.m. onward. One should avoid arriving at the girl's house too early as he could 'step in their 'namphrik'" or dinner; that is while they are having the evening meal (Sanguan Chotsukrat, 1968, 76). Sometimes the girl could get together with 2-3 of her friends taking turns operating the rice threshing mortar (nong mong), by using a wooden mortar with a foot-operated pestle for threshing the rice. While one girl was stepping on and off the petal, another girl would stir the rice in the thresher to allow it to be evenly threshed. Sometimes, when they got distracted or tired, the sound it produced would be out of rhythm; this is called "dae mong". When the young man would hear the sound he would drop by and offer to do the threshing; from this comes the phrase "aeo sao tam khao" (courting the girl while pounding the rice).
The man could go courting alone or with some friends. Some took musical instruments along to play like the northern style percussion called phinpia, sueng and salo and sang along in popular poetic notes and some carried a courting message as follows:
Dear beauty, I come to court you and win a partner. While the moon is shining brightly, the stars disappear; I keep looking at your house. I love no one else but you in this world.
Another one goes like this: It's now getting late at night and I've sung till my throat is dry. Alone I am on this road, why don't you call or greet me.
If the girl failed to receive him and put out the lamp and went to bed, the man would sing sarcastically saying:
A sleeping girl deserves to eat dog shit; an old single man walking in the street deserves some boiled chicken.
Going to visit or court a girl often meant travelling quite a distance to her house since she usually lived in another village. Young men hardly want to eye a girls in their own neighborhood as they tended to know each other too well and have seen each other every day so they became too familiar (Udom Rungroengsi and Silao Katephrom, 1999, p.2579).
In this way, young men of different villages became friends as they helped one another by providing information about the girls they knew in their villages and recommended to one another which girls were attractive, which were coming of age (yunok), which talked sweetly with good manners, which were rich, which were poor, and so on. These young men swapped information on the girls in their respective villages. In the earlier style of courting 2-3 of them could get together and let the brave one talk to open the way for them. This person was often good at talking and was labeled as being one who was a "smooth talker" (pak mo kho muen) though not very attractive. Then they would try to notice which one of them appealed to the girl by observing her manner and her speech. After that, the rest of the group would leave their friend with the girls while they went on to look for another prospect by visiting other girls.
Visiting a girl in a distant place, a young man had to have some weapon to protect himself like a knife (mit sui) or a sword. But when he got close to the girl's house, he had to hide the weapon in a bush or a tree as it was considered an ill manners and insulting to the girl (Silao Katephrom, 2001, p.43).
An account of courting a girl in Mae Chaem was given by Phonoi Pia Kengkantham of Ban Yang Luang, Tambon Padaet, Mae Cham District, Chiang Mai (Interview, Dec. 15, 2008). it was called "aeo rap" meaning visiting in the late night after her parents had gone to bed. The young had a bent rattan stick (wai khong) to poke at the girl while she was lying asleep. The girl would feel the stick to make sure that it belonged to the man of her choice. They would chat softly together through the gap on the house floor ("sap" meant whisper); this is sometimes referred to as "aeo sap huhong" ("huhong" means a gap or hole).
O Sao
The procedure known as "yunok", or sitting in the open, requires a young girl to prepare a betel nut tray for herself and to receive the young male visitors with it. The betel nut tray serves as an aid to break the ice or get them over embarrassment. First the girl would offer the man the betel nut or the man might ask for it before they start the conversation.
When the man arrived at he girl's house, he would remain outside or below the house and check if there was another male visitor with her. If someone else was with her, he would not go up or "khuen sot" as it is considered a breach of etiquette. Or, he may just sit on the stair and proceed to ask for her permission to go up. The talk they engage in, the talk during the courting (u-sao) is usually in the form of riddles (Silao Katephrom, 2001, p.44).
For example: the man would ask,
"What did you have for supper?"
And the girl would answer,
"I had rice with chili sauce" (namphrik)
(Her answer indicates that she dislikes him. This is conveyed through the word "phrik" which sounds close to "pik" in the northern dialect meaning "go away", "return" or "leave".
If her answer is,
"I had kaeng khae"
(This indicates she likes him because the work "khae" (which ironically is a borrowed word from the English: "Care") sounds like the word "lae" in Thai which mean gaze indicating admiration and attractiveness.).
If her answer is,
" I had kaeng ba fak"
(It implies that she loves him because “fak” sounds close to “rak” which means love).
If the answer is,
"I had rice with ma bo pen khi"
("ma bo pen khi" refers to a rocking horse or bucking horse and when the phrase is rendered as a spoonerism, it becomes something like "mokha" meaning a grilled salted fish whose smell was very offensive or stinking.).
If he wanted to know if the girl was courting someone else from the same village, he could ask,
"Do you like "no-rio" or "no-bun"
("no" means bamboo shoot; "no-rio" means young man from the same village and "no-bun" means a girl from another village.)
Examples of courting expressions.
In the early stages of their courtship when they are not serious about it, they will just chat about things in general. However, there are some expressions that have been passed down for many generations and they are often rhyming or poetic (Phairo Loetphiriyakamon, 1973, pp.69-70).
Man:
"Salit salak khuen ton tong toi," (I wish I were well
acquainted with my fellows in this house). If the girl remains silent, the man would say, "Salit salak khuen ton makham," (I'm so unattractive that no one wants to talk with me).)
Woman:
Never mind the appearance, my eye can see yet. We could carry a stick each.
Man:
“Salit salak these flowers are blooming profusely here and since your house is so dark if you wish to get some, I’ll pick two bouquets for you.
Woman:
"Salit salak khuen ton baphae," (I'm so touched, but I fear your mom.)
Man:
This tree is so beautiful, but I fear angels are guarding it.
Woman:
Big it is, but hollow inside, no one dare cut it.
Man:
Cloudy makes the fish drunk (talking idly).
Woman:
The sky is bright with stars and the moon, and here I’m talking with a married man instead of a bachelor.
Man:
I’ve never tasted No-rio, but had some no-bun underground.
Woman:
Keep them in your head, blind and blurred as you are you’d better slap your head and watch your face to come to your senses.
Man:
Do you like no-rio?
Woman:
We’re from the same village. We’d better be friends in need.
Man:
Last night, who was that sitting with a round collar shirt and acacia flower behind the ear?
Woman:
I don’t know. Don’t accuse me. I was cutting banana leaves for cooking before the Sabbath.
Man:
I can tell from your pale skin. You look like a mother who washes diapers.
Woman:
I told you, there was no one, really.
Man:
A big tree is occupied by a devil residing inside it, and so is a good attractive girl.
Woman:
What comes out of the mouth often goes against the heart. A hypocrite loves to have a cleanly scrubbed face.
Woman:
What I say is what I feel. My words match my heart.
Man:
How can I believe a beauty like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Woman:
Sure. As beautiful as a goat on a stump or a burnt tree trunk.
Man:
No one could be more beautiful than you except the mother of a god.
Woman:
Take some of my betel, although it’s not aromatic. No one likes it being so thin.
Man:
This house has a hiding cat, I have no hope. My flower is like Chinese opium.
(“hiding cat” = “meo li” = already have someone; no hope or no place to go = “bo aem thao” = I want no more.)
Woman:
No, I have no one. I’m drifting like dandelion seeds.
Man:
Then take me, please.
Woman:
I can’t afford to feed you. I’m afraid you’ll get thin and pale.
Verbal fight
Some men are loud mouthed and are disgusting to most girls. So, after a few exchanges of words, they have to leave. Some sit around on the stair steps keeping others from going up, which makes the girls refuse to have a date with them.
Man:
May I sit here for a while? I’ll move when your brother comes.
Woman:
Go ahead. The place belongs to no one but it’s for dogs.
Man:
I don’t see any big or small dogs, what I see every day is a bitch.
Wooing words
After the first few days of teasing and witty exchange, enough to find out that the girl does not mind, the young man will come regularly and the talk will be quite direct and to the point (Silao Katephrom, 1991, 129).
Man:
It’s getting late. I can hear the dew dropping from the banana flower. I shouldn’t hang around lest the owner should be offended.
Woman:
No one owns anything here. Everything is clear, you won’t stumble on even a needle.
Man:
It’s so delightful here. I wish I could spend some time here.
Woman:
This house looks like it’s deserted. It’s so quiet at night.
Man:
Where are all your brothers and masters, then?
Woman:
There have never been those people here, no bachelor, no widower.
Man:
Really? Honest?
Woman:
No. If there is one I won’t hold back his name.
Man:
A big tree is full inside, if no one cuts it, someone ought to fell it.
Woman:
It’s big indeed but hollow, no one dares to fell it.
Two more examples of wooing (Phairot Lertphiriyakamon, 1973, pp.73 -76):
1.
Man:
May I sit here?
Woman:
Go ahead. But don’t sit on the post, it could damage the wall.
Man:
Don’t worry, we could get it fixed in time. But, now I want to court you.
Woman:
Here’s some betel nut I’ve prepared to share with you.
Man:
May I have a bite?
Woman:
Please help yourself if you’re not afraid it will burn your throat.
Man:
Is the door closed or open?
Woman:
The gate is closed, the house door is open but the stair door latch is deceptively reversed.
Man:
Maybe a cat is hiding (mao li = you have a boyfriend) somewhere.
Woman:
A hiding cat gets the rat. An eel in the hole still gets attacked.
Man:
If I had a girlfriend, I wouldn’t come around here. I’d wear my hair to cover my face instead.
Woman:
One is not enough, so you want another one. A small boat with two passengers during a flood will end in calamity.
Man:
I’m as clean as an open vihan, neither an unmarried girl or a widow have I.
Woman:
So am I like a sugar cane stalk at the center of a cluster, smooth and clear of my outer sheath.
Man:
So beautiful like an angel had done the sculpting.
Woman:
How come a beautiful girl is left unclaimed?
Man:
Nowhere else can one find such a beautiful girl like you unless she was the mother of a god.
Woman:
Please don’t insult me, I’m not a temple boy that always follows after a monk.
Man:
You’re such a witty speaker.
Woman:
A stick needs to be clean of thorns. If no one asked I’d claim it was mine.
Man:
The more we talk, the more I'd like to stay in this village.
Woman:
That's really too much. Maybe someone is tired of keeping you around.
Man:
Because you're so beautiful. What a slender body, a tiny waist, your step is so light.
Woman:
If I were that beautiful, I wouldn't have been left deserted and be an old maid up till now.
Man:
But you won't be left unattended. There is a place for you.
Woman:
It's you who are so handsome.
Man:
Am I so handsome and left neglected like this?
Woman:
You say you're abandoned, but you'll be tended to by some aunts and older women.
Man:
Where can I find them? Please let me know. I'll be relieved.
Woman:
Go look around the temple bank or in front of the tower, or at a sompho bush.
2.
Man:
May I have a bite of betel nut?
Woman:
Go ahead. The betel vine thrives around the well. If it's not enough, you can get some more at home.
Man:
May I sit here until your master returns? He may have got caught in some crab holes.
Woman:
I have no one, no brother or master, not even raw (not ordained into the monkhood) bachelor.
Man:
Really?! I can't be sure. Eating just fish can make you thin and ill.
Woman:
Did I hear someone cough and sneeze all night one time?
Man:
No. I have no one. If I did, I'd tie her on my back and celebrate up and down the canal.
Woman:
A big tree that's hollow inside is useless and is not felled by anyone.
Man:
I can tell it's not true. There is someone; one or three or five who com to look at you.
Woman:
Oh, dear! I'm left to be an old maid forever. So be it. If men don't want a woman, let them stay single and die.
Man:
How could you be so beautiful?! What merit have you made. You probably eat well of fish and meat and don't have to bother with making a living.
Woman:
Am I beautiful? Then I should have had a match sooner and not be an old maid until now.
Man:
Old phak khum, young phak chi, old though I am, I'm a good old man.
Woman:
Alright. Whatever you say. Your spine will make a hollow sound when being beaten like a buffalo in the dry season.
Man:
Are you talking about me?
Woman:
It's getting late now. I wish I could see your lover. You're a child of an older woman maybe.
Man:
No. I have no one. I'm an inexperienced cock. I'm a bachelor of my village. I’ve never courted anyone. I'm nice and neat like a set of pinto (food carrier).
Woman:
I'm clean and clear like an open ground of a temple or a floor of the vihan. No bachelor, no widower has come around me.
Man:
Your heart does not go with your words. You talk to make it sound good like washing your face with clear water.
Woman:
I'm not a hypocrite. My words and my heart go together. A santol fruit ripens from the inside out.
Man:
The mouth speaks what's inside, but the heart goes with what's inside like a bitter naem tree coated with sugar.
Woman:
Really! I never lie to anyone. I'm afraid you'll deceive me.
Man:
I couldn't even lie to my brothers and sisters. How could I lie to a woman?
Woman:
I'm afraid I'd be deceived and traded off for just some banana or salted fish.
Man:
No, I won't deceive you and trade you for fermented fish or anything.
Woman:
I'm done for tonight. Maybe you can come some other time be it the waxing moon night or the waning moon night.
At this point, the young man may hint that it's time to leave, the girl may have lots to do the next day. So, he had to go and he will say:
“Farewell my sweet flower, don't talk behind my back or gossip.” When he gets to the road he might sing some poetic words, “It's getting late now and the dew is dropping from roof. May you go to sleep and have sweet dreams.”
The right man/woman
Maekhru Chansom Saithara (Interview, Dec. 3, 2008) a National Artist in Performing Arts (Northern folk song – saw) said that as it got late in the night the girl would find a way to get the man to leave if she realized that he was not the right man for her. The time the one she had set her heart for to come was around was approximately 10 p.m. This young man would be referred to as "tua pho" (tua po in the Lanna dialect) and the girl would be "tua mae". Their chatting could go on until dawn using normal language instead of subtle poetic words or expressions or spoonerisms.
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